I’ve been taking a break, a much needed break. A lot has happened since my last post. I took a break from surviving to enjoy what was happening in my life. I made a conscious decision to put aside the fear, the anger, the anxiety, the disappointment, and let myself feel happy and proud. I stopped sprinting through healing. I stopped forcing myself to conquer something every day. I was exhausting myself and allowing more of my life to be tainted by my childhood. The spring of 2013 was going to be exciting; I didn’t want to miss it.
I graduated college. I passed my boards. I became an RN. I started my career. I’ve helped people. I went out on a date. I met a guy. I got a new puppy. I started shopping for houses. I’m spending time with friends. I’m living life. And, it feels awesome.
There are still things that pop up, but I find now that I am allowing myself to be happy and enjoy life, I am more able to deal with momentary setbacks. God has blessed me throughout my life, but I rarely felt blessed in daily life. I felt cursed in fact. I was so petrified of the world around me; I could not see the day to day blessings. I would only appreciate them later. I was miserable. I was discouraged. I felt as though my life had been stolen from me and I woke up everyday hoping it would get better, to no avail. But not anymore, this “break” from surviving has actually allowed me to feel as though I did, in fact, SURVIVE.
Now, onto finding a balance between the two. I still have work to do, necessary work. I don’t yet know how, but I’ll figure it out. I’m not in a rush. I’ll take the bits and pieces as they come. I will face them with the confidence that they no longer have power over me.
God has never let me go through all of this. As many times as I screamed and begged and was on the brink of doing something with eternal ramifications, he sat with me in those hours. He knew I would get through them, he gave me the strength. He held my hand. He guided me through to the other side. And, the other side is awesome.
Last summer, I made the most difficult decision of my life. I was terrified that I would lose my whole family. I was terrified that this secret would kill my family. I was terrified I would not survive. I was terrified of facing my demons. I was terrified that my life would get worse than it already was.
But, it didn’t. None of that happened. Instead, I was showered with love and support. Family and friends, even some strangers, listened to my fears, calmed my nerves, sent me messages of love and strength. I was blessed. I am blessed.
Psalm 116
1 I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Lord, save me!”
5 The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
6 The Lord protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7 Return to your rest, my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.
8 For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
9 that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
Praise the Lord.
