Sometimes, I’d just rather be in heaven

I beg and beg God to take me home. I don’t want to deal with all this anymore. I just want to go home. I spend days and days stuck in this rut, somewhere between knowing that God has me here on this earth for a reason and feeling like I can’t do it anymore, like I don’t want to do it anymore. I look at all that is before me and I am overwhelmed and frustrated. I am sad, worn out, and angry. I don’t know how I can fight my way back. I can’t keep it all together anymore. Sometimes I can’t even find a coherent thought in my head (a dangerous situation since I’m in my last semester of nursing school and have the responsibility of keeping people alive.) I don’t know if I have the strength. I want the peace and joy of heaven.

Oh, sweet and blessed country, the home of God's elect!
Oh, sweet and blessed country that eager hearts expect
Where they who with their Leader, have conquered in the fight
Forever and forever are clad in robes of white.
Jesus, in mercy bring us to that dear land of rest
Where sings the host of heaven your glorious name to bless.
The Christ is ever with them, the daylight is serene.
The pastures of the blessed are ever rich and green.
There is the throne of David; and there from care released,
The shout of them that triumph, the song of them that feast;
To God enthroned in glory the Church's voices blend,
The Lamb forever blessed, the Light that knows no end.

Who would rather be here than there?

I look back at my 29 years of life and see how my dreams and hopes were put on the back burner while I was busy surviving. I wonder if I have missed the opportunity to be of use in this world. I wonder if the little injured girl inside me will ever get to see and experience all the joys and blessings of this world. I wonder if she will ever get to do everything she hoped and dreamed. She deserved better than what she got.

It is all just too much. It is unfair. It is infuriating. It is debilitating.

I don’t want this anymore.

Then, again, right when I am at my breaking point, a reminder:

Ecclesiates 7:13-15 “Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked?  When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.”

And, here, another:

1 Peter 1:3-9 ^“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”

Sigh, thank you, God. As much as I yell and scream and doubt and disobey you, you never let me down. You never let me go. Instead, you fulfill your promise and send me peace. John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

So, renewed and refresh, I awaken to a new day.

Psalm 121:1-2

“I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.”

I can do this. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13