Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Taco-Bell Turn

My sister and I have long lauded Taco-Bell as the cure of any hang-over. The term “Taco-Bell turn” refers to that moment of relief when your brain stops screaming, the intense tremors subside, your stomach agrees that the taco is delicious and decides to keep it inside instead of putting it in the toilet, and you actually feel like you may live to see tomorrow. This is a well documented phenomenon; we have all gone through those reckless college years.

There are many days when I feel like I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to get out of bed, I feel sick to my stomach. I just want to cry and cry, and break things. I can’t think straight. I’m so oppressed by the memories of abuse and the subsequent years I spent trying to forget while watching my life pass by without me. It is so literally overwhelming; I feel like I’m drowning. If tomorrow is going to be like today, I’d rather just sleep. Pessimism does not begin to describe this feeling, this complete, utter, total despondency. I trudge through the day just so I don’t entice questions from family and friends, because sometimes there just aren’t words to explain what is happening. How do you convey to someone what it is like to struggle daily with lost innocence and confusion, distrust and disgust, fear and blame, depression and anger? Surely no one can understand what it is like to look back and see so many years stolen from you. No one can understand how sad you are because you are so afraid of everything. No one can understand how it makes you feel when you don’t see any change; you face a life of sadness, anger, loneliness. You’re unable to enjoy life because you are afraid of everything and everyone.

I struggle with anxiety and depression, the cause of which is partly genetic and partly linked directly to the abuse and my subsequent coping and defense mechanisms. I take medicine, it takes the edge off. I’ve seen two different counselors; I didn’t stay with them long enough to see any real benefit. (Disclaimer: counseling is wonderful and effective, but you have to find the right counselor for you. Someone with whom you feel safe, someone who listens, someone who pushes you in a safe way, this is the right counselor for you. Keep looking until you find them.) Some days, NOTHING helps. Some days I am so beaten down, I can’t even pick up my head. I hate those days.

But, inevitably, and in His own time, God sends me my Taco-Bell Turn; something that changes my outlook, something that reminds me, that even though I’m struggling and in despair, God promises us that He works all things for our good. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” It is hard when you’re feeling like death warmed over to see this hope and future as even being possible. It is beyond frustrating to be left out of the loop when it comes to your own life. But, we know that God loves us and created us and sent His son to save us. Is He really going to let us down? No way. I will admit, at times my faith has been shaken, but I have never lost my faith. That is not due to me, I am not strong enough on my own to hold on to hope when I am weak, that is the Holy Spirit, strengthening my faith. He has such a tight grip on me; He will never let me go. Romans 8:18-39 sums all this up and always awakens me out of my abuse hangover.

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.  Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Peace in Thankfulness


This has been a very difficult year for me. But, I have been blessed throughout. This Thanksgiving, I am truly thankful for many things. I am thankful that God has never left me, even though I have yelled at him and questioned his plans. I am thankful for my family. My immediate and extended family members are amazing Christians and their love and faith has strengthened me beyond measure. I am thankful for the friends who have supported me, pushed me, and loved me throughout all of this. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude. I remember you all in my prayers.

The following is my feeble attempt to share how I tripped and stumbled my way through confronting the man who abused me. I could not have done it without the support of the people mentioned here. Thank you from the bottom of my butt…it is a lot bigger than my heart. (Insert comic relief here.)

Sometime in 2009 I drunkenly disclosed the secret of my abuse to a friend over a pitcher of margaritas. I had never told another soul. As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back, I wasn’t ready.

 Sometime in 2011, another friend disclosed to me that she had been sexually abused by a family member. The more she talked to me about it, the more difficult it became for me to suppress the emotions I had been hiding my whole life. In one of our conversations, I disclosed my abuse to her. I felt safe, because she knew where I was coming from.

Then I mentioned my abuse to another friend on a casual car ride on a shopping trip. I knew she’d be supportive and I knew she’d want to kick his ass, which was helpful. This was easier. I also blurted it out to my oldest best friend who lives states away. She’s beyond supportive and caring. It was awkward, but even easier, it was safe; I didn’t have to see her every day.

In July of 2011, I made an appointment with a counselor. I awkwardly tried to talk to her, but mostly, I fumble my words and cried. I was terrified. She was the first person who heard the details. She brought up pressing charges. When I left there, I was so worked up, I ran to my cousin. She listened, cried, hugged, and just let me projectile vomit the information at her. Hard, but not crippling. Exhausting, but not defeating. I can’t say I felt a weight lift. I was in a blur. I was struggling between moving forward and reverting to what I thought was safe, hiding it all inside.

These five friends kept my secret for several months. I was not ready to tell any family members who are directly linked to the family member whose actions scarred my life. I wanted to spare them the pain. In fact, that is one of the overriding reasons I never told anyone. I was trying to protect them.

But, as time went on, I needed my big sister. She is closer to me that anyone else in the world. We shared a room until she went away to college. We lived together for two years in Florida. She is my best friend and I needed her. I told her over the phone, not ideal. She listened intently. She wanted to know details; I gave her those I was ready to give. I could tell she was shaken. Nobody expects this from a family like ours. But, she is a valuable ally. She had been in therapy for unrelated reasons for years. She had inside information and more than a little bit of helpful advice.

That was difficult, but what happened in Spring and Summer of 2012 was far more difficult.

I waited for some time to tell my mom. My mom has been through a lot recently, most significantly my dad and a close friend dying from cancer almost exactly a year apart. And, as strong as she is, she has a bipolar disorder, and I didn’t want to stress her anymore.  I was convinced she would die. I don’t say that facetiously, I literally thought it would kill her.  I also didn’t want her blaming herself for anything. However, after we attended a family wedding in June 2012 and this relative was in attendance, I was shaken and I needed help. I needed her help to go to the doctor with me. My anxiety was through the roof and I needed to get it under control so I could think. The anxiety of seeing him after so long was indeed crippling. I was missing work and was becoming physically ill. It was very hard to tell her. But, I did, slowly and cautiously, and with one of those friends for support for both of us. Mom was upset, rightly so. She blamed herself for not protecting me. She was angry. She wanted me to tell family members I wasn’t ready to tell. I knew I would tell them eventually, but not now. I was already afraid it would kill her, I couldn’t kill more people. I allowed her to tell her sisters for her own support, just like I allowed my sister to tell her husband, people need support. And, it snowballed from there, soon practically the entire family knew. (…except my brothers. Man, I did not want them knowing.) It happens in a loving, caring family. And I appreciated the extra prayers. But it freaked me out.

This brings in the only male I told personally. A close friend from high school who happens to live here in town has always been there for me when shit hits the fan. I was so worked up about so many people finding out so quickly, I panicked, literally. I couldn’t think straight. I needed someone who “wasn’t going to get all emotional on me”. I needed someone with a clear head to help me decide what to do. He listened calmly, didn’t come near me at all (for which I was thankful, given the subject matter), and he gave me some tough advice. The advice is what I knew needed to be done, but I was terrified. Rightly so, but this friend reminded me that my fears and concerns were less than the benefits of confrontation.

I knew I wasn’t ready to do anything yet. I was already maxed out. Over the next few weeks more family members were brought into the loop including my brothers. (The family members were on the opposite side of the family, not directly linked to the abuser.)

After some time, careful deliberation, and a suddenly vast support system, I decided it was time to take action. Pressing charges were out of the option, but confrontation was not. My biggest fear for over 16 years was if, as a result of my silence, some other innocent children were being hurt. There are young children related to this man, he helps out in the church nursery, how could I not gather the strength to confront him and expose his secret. I decided, since I had no desire whatsoever to see him in person, to write him a letter. I feared for his soul and his faith, what if he isn’t repentant? I didn’t want him to go to hell. So, I mustered every ounce of strength I had one friday evening and wrote him a letter. I saved that letter for about a week. It felt like a lead weight. I had a few people read it to make sure my point came across clearly. I have my uncle read it to make certain my use of Scripture was correct and that my plea for his repentance was clear. Then, one day I was ready. I sent it.

I WAS TRIUMPHANT. I had overcome a huge hurdle. I was so proud of myself. I was on cloud 9. It was amazing. Every survivor should get to feel that at some point in their life. (More on the confrontation in a later post. This subject deserves much more emphasis that I’m able to provide here.)

It is here I realized, I did it myself, but I never could have gathered the strength if it weren’t for my support system. I am so thankful and in awe of God’s blessings of Christian love and support.

That first friend that heard my story during a margarita marathon, she’s my reliable friend. She always answers the phone, always willing to listen. She’s my subtle cheerleader, I’m not even sure she realizes she’s doing it, but she always backs me up and reaffirms my thoughts and actions.

The friend who herself had been sexually abused, she is my sympathetic friend. She is the only one who knows where I’m coming from. Although our experiences are different, we understood each other.

The next is my muscle. I’m relatively certain that if this friend ever met this guy she would rip him to shreds with her bare hands. I love it. She is all the angry that I find difficult to be.

My far away friend, she is my thoughtful caring friend. Even when we don’t talk often, she remembers what is going on in my life and never forgets to ask me how it is going. This means so much to me.

My cousin is my level headed supporter. She’s rational, clear-headed, caring, and her lips are sealed. She is non-judgmental and doesn’t push me. She gives advice when it is needed and listens when needed.

My sister is my other me. We are very alike, but different. She knows without me saying. She will listen to nothing but sobs on the phone. She’ll remind me to breathe. She’ll proofread my letters and emails. She’ll give me advice from her counseling. She’ll talk to my brother-in-law and, inevitably, I’ll have an email with a Bible passage in it to help me get over the latest hurdle. Sometimes I listen to her advice and sometimes I disagree with it, but it helps me in both instances. She is my best friend, my first phone call.

My mom is my mommy. I’m not ashamed to admit that there have been plenty of times when I’ve just collapsed and cried, something that little girl did not get to do. She knows me so well I don’t even need to say anything, she can just tell. I moved back home when my dad got sick and have stayed with her to help her out and to help me out while I finish nursing school. When I am frustrated about my situation, being 28 years old and back living with my mom, I remind myself that I need her, that little girl inside who is finally getting to freak out needs her mom. I am so thankful she is here.

My male friend, he is my emotionless rational friend. I don’t want this to be misconstrued as an insult. He is exactly what I needed. He has been there for me at a moment’s notice and took his life into his own hands with advice I did not want to hear, but desperately needed to hear. 

I have been blessed with not just this inner circle of support, but my entire family. They are my cheering section, my army. Even those directly connected to the abuser, they are so supportive in my healing. I am so truly blessed. Everything I was afraid of for so long turned out to be false. My family was not destroyed. No one accused me of lying. Everybody was worried, concerned, and willing to help in any way possible.

Because I realize not everyone who has been sexually abused is as lucky as I am, I thank God everyday for my family and my support system. I literally could not do this without them. Words cannot truly convey how much they mean to me. I was hoping to be able to capture it here, but I am failing miserably. The only way I can sum it all up is with Philipians 1:3-11 “I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me.  God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus. And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.”

 

Sunday, November 18, 2012

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11


In the midst of struggling with childhood sexual abuse, it is so easy to shake an angry fist at God and ask “WHY?!!!” I know God works all things for our good. I know he promised that whatever happens we will prosper and have hope. But, sometimes it just sucks. There, I said it. Yes, I get angry and demand to know the endgame. I can’t imagine what good could come out of what happened to me and all the years that I suffered in silence. How in the world was that for my good? Well, that’s just the point, isn’t it? The good isn’t necessarily in this world, but in the next. The ultimate good may be the strengthening of our faith through struggles. I know I am ten times stronger than I was in my person and in my faith. And, I am thankful for that. When I get to heaven, all this will be a mere blurp in the history of me. What is 20 years compared to eternity? My hope, my joy, is that I know eventually I will be there and none of this will matter…and God will wipe away every tear from my eye. (Revelation 7:17) Aaah, peace.
So, how do we get through each day while we wait for Judgment Day? Some days it is too difficult to see how God is using his people. Today, I was blessed with a day where it became very evident to me. Today was a day when I was actually thankful for my struggles. A dear friend is hurting. She has battled severe anxiety from childhood. Tonight, she shared with me that she was having difficulty handling it and she needed to start seeing a doctor again. My heart broke for her; she is one of the sweetest, most selfless, most caring people I know. She doesn’t deserve this affliction. But, God will bless her through it somehow. For now, he has made sure we are close enough that she felt comfortable talking to me about it. She knows my history of anxiety and sometimes just knowing someone “gets it” helps. Because of everything I went through, I was able to give her some peace, some strength, some support.
Every so often, God gives us a stepping stone that gets us through the vast sea of crap that we deal with here on earth, away from home. Every so often, we see how God is working things for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:28) Was this good for someone else today? Yea, but it was definitely a blessing for me to be able to help her.
To that friend and to anyone who is suffering and faltering, Romans 8:18-39
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.  For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.  Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

The End, Amen

 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Psalm 27


It took every ounce of my God-given strength to write that letter. I felt triumphant. I was facing my demons. I was facing the demons he inflicted upon me. I was facing the demons I inflicted upon myself. I have never felt stronger in my life. Everyone who has ever been hurt in such a way should have that. I had been so afraid of so much for so long, and now I was strong. I literally had “I Can See Clearly Now” playing in my head. I sent the letter. I confronted him. He denied it. Surprised? Heck no. Sure, I prayed that God would have him admit it so I could have some validation. So it wasn’t my word against his. But realistically, rationally, I never thought for one second he would admit what he had done. That isn’t why I wrote the letter. I wrote the letter for myself, to validate my strength. I made a choice to take my life back. I made a choice to flex my muscles, face my fears, and I started to fight.

If I could only have lived in that moment for the rest of my life…I deserved that much didn’t I? Sure I had made mistakes. Sure I could’ve avoided a lot of pain and suffering had I made different choices. I’m not proud of a lot of the things I did. But, in that moment, I was triumphant over all of it. I so wish that triumphant feeling would have stayed forever. I wish I could wake up every day the way and feel omnipotent, untouchable, optimistic and free. I wish I could be happy for more than five minutes. I wish I could find joy. I wish I could put all this behind me. Some days, I even wish I never told anyone. Some days I wish I could take it all back. When I was hiding, there were days when I could forget, days when I managed to get a few paces ahead of the dark cloud. Now, I wake up every morning and instead of sunshine, I focus on the giant mountain ahead of me and I see that damn cloud coming over the peak. I woke up out of 15 years of darkness and now I see this giant mountain, seriously? Forget this. After 15 years and all the strength it took me to send that letter, and now I have a mountain the size of Everest to climb. Pissed doesn’t even begin to describe it.

I’m done. I don’t have the strength to do this. Priebe out. I think I’ll just crawl into a cave and wait for death, which I’m fairly certain won’t come soon. Awesome. Judgment day can come anytime, I’ll just hide out in here until then.

Then I remember my confirmation verse Psalm 27:1

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

Then, suddenly I know I’m not alone at the base of this stupid mountain. Jesus is right there with me. When I stumble, he’s there with a steady hand. When I am tired and want to crawl in a cave, he waits with me. I am not afraid of this mountain, I have the man who made it beside me helping me climb it. He knows what lies ahead of me on this trail. Is it the easiest trail? No. But he knows what is in store and he won’t let me fall. He won’t let me be devoured by mountain lions.


2 When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,[a]
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.

And when the clouds momentarily break…

4 One thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.

I have struggles against these demons, I have begged the Lord for peace.

7 Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his[
b] face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, O Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.

Sometimes, I’ve doubted. My faith has been shaken. I’ve been afraid of the dark my whole life. You can’t see what is lurking. But, the light came and I see that Jesus was there all along, keeping watch over his sheep. So,

13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Do I feel triumphant today? No.
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

 

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Peace in Perseverance


Peace in perseverance, this is what I hope to achieve. Can I rid my mind of the memories of my abuse? Will the devil stop tormenting me and infiltrating my thoughts with doubts of God’s love? Will every day involve struggles and uncertainty and fear? Sadly, and discouraging as it is, the answer to all these questions is “no”. The reality is, I will grapple with doubts and fears and discouragement, but I will persevere. How do I know this? Because Psalm 27:1-6a tells me this, “The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?  When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me.” Here is my peace, God is with me. He is my rock and my salvation, the stronghold of my life. He gives me peace with these words in Hebrews, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Peace, I am not alone. God is with me.
And, when Satan gets his claws in me, when he finds a weak moment, when I am angry, discouraged and struggling, when I feel like I cannot take it anymore, I look here:

James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

And, here:
Romans 5:3-5 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
When I am at my worst, when I am in pit of despair, when I am at my brink and feel like I cannot make it another day, when I doubt God’s presence, when I want to give up and throw in the towel, I remember these passages. I feel like God put them in the Bible specifically for me. I find such peace here. I find peace in persevering. I know that God is with me. I am His dearly loved child. He will not let me be dragged to the depths, he has not forsaken me. He is by my side strengthening me and my faith in Him.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back from captivity.’ ”

My perseverance is a gift from God, He is my strength. My peace is in the Lord’s goodness and love. My peace in perseverance is knowing that I am loved by the Lord, that He is guiding my footsteps. My peace in perseverance is knowing that even when I am struggling, I am growing closer to Him.
 
per·se·ver·ance noun

1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
2. Theology . continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.